What is Confidence?
Trust in our decisions to get where we want to be
A friend recently texted me and shared that she’d like to read a post on growing up with confidence. I was honored to learn that to her, I’ve been a model of confidence and how to go for one’s goals. When she brought this up once to her husband, he asked, “What did her parents do right?” They’d like to know the source so they can nurture this confidence in their daughter.
Ever since that text, I’ve been thinking about confidence. Confidence allows me to navigate uncertainty, to make decisions, to act, and to achieve my goals. Today I’m exploring confidence: what it is, and what it is not; where it comes from, and how it is developed. What gives me the confidence to take this leap and embark on a new path? How have I developed confidence throughout my life?
What is Confidence?
Confidence is trust in yourself. It stems from our intrinsic value, experiences and safety. Intrinsic value is self-respect: I am capable, worthy, equal and deserving on my own. Experiences teach us about the consequences of actions: when I am present, I am seen; when I speak, I am heard; when I act, a reaction occurs. Safety is the absence of danger: it affirms that when we fail, we can try again. Over time, we navigate obstacles and overcome challenges.
Confidence is trust in yourself. It stems from our intrinsic value, experiences and safety.
As I’ve discussed in past posts, I find the Trust Quotient to be a helpful model to think about the concept of trust, so it is natural to adapt this formula to self-trust. The standard Trust Quotient formula is:
Trust = (Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy) / Self-Orientation
When it comes to confidence, we use this same formula but frame the variables slightly different to allow for self-reflection.
Variables for Confidence (Self-trust):
Credibility → ABILITY: This is your own actual ability. This can be your skills, training, knowledge, and/or strength. The capabilities you’ve developed over time add to your intrinsic value.
Ability = Am I capable?Reliability → EVIDENCE : This is evidence that comes from your lived experience. These are the moments when you’ve acted and witnessed the response.
Evidence = When have I experienced something like this before?Intimacy → SAFETY: Feeling safe in your environment and closeness with what, and who, surrounds you.
Safety = What danger or risk is present?SELF-ORIENTATION: This is thinking about yourself, not others. Not what they would do or any comparison to others. The higher this value is, the more OTHERS you are thinking about. From a math perspective, we want to make sure the denominator is as low as possible, so you get a high TQ. (The goal is for YOU to be #1!)
Self orientation = Who am I doing this for?
Examining the Confidence Quotient
What happens when we play with the model by eliminating some of the variables?
No Ability = Bullshit.
We see the absence of ability as overconfidence and, frankly, bullshit. The Dunning-Kruger effect explains this, which is when people with limited competence overestimate their abilities. This headline is a great example.No Evidence = Imposter Syndrome.
Without evidence that your actions result in change, it is easy to believe that you are not as capable as you really are. If your efforts are not acknowledged, you don’t feel seen, your confidence erodes… no matter how many certifications, degrees or other evidence of credibility you have.No Safety = No Growth.
Lack of safety results in stagnation and inaction. We must feel safe in order to stretch beyond our known bounds. When we stretch, we take calculated risks. No risk, no reward. When we take safe risks, we know that if we fail, we are supported.No Self-orientation = Comparison.
When our focus is not ourselves, but rather the approval and validation of others, we lose confidence. Are you doing it for the ‘gram or for yourself? We must practice standing for ourselves.
Developing Confidence
When I think about experiences in my life that developed my confidence, I reflect on how I built each component of self-trust: ability, evidence, safety and self-orientation.
Early Foundation
The seeds of confidence were planted when I attended an all girls’ independent school during my formative early elementary school years. The formative years from 5 to 8 shaped my ability and provided evidence in a safe environment. My time at this school demonstrated that equity and inclusion were evident values. Every day, little girls programmed with Logo on Apple II computers, cared for snakes as class pets, wrote stories, spun yarn, danced, sang, and created using the left and right sides of our brains. It was a safe space to try, do, be curious and be encouraged to try anew, absent gendered biases.
New Experiences
My years of summer camp reinforced my self-orientation and continued to provide evidence that it was okay, or even fun, to try new activities, even the ones that were most foreign to me: rock climbing and water skiing. I learned to try, have fun, practice and progress. I was acknowledged for my efforts and success and given opportunities to try and stretch further. Once I could slalom ski, I could go out for sunset skiing and learn to barefoot. I experienced safety as I was rewarded with opportunities to stretch and try leadership roles, like Color War Captain (Go Blue Team!). I learned that trying, while not always successful, resulted in visibility and that my efforts were rewarded with new opportunities.
“You can’t be what you can’t see.”
- Marian Wright Edelman
(S)hero Journeys
Much like Wisdom in the VIEW framework, evidence can be both internal (first-hand experience) or external (from others’ experience). I gained external evidence, witnessing others being rewarded for their efforts, through stories. I loved learning about women through history who tried and acted with confidence, whether because they had to, wanted to, or felt compelled to. I re-read biographies about women wanting to try and do and succeed (Helen Keller), and those who knew their lives could be bigger, acting with passion and purpose (Susan B. Anthony). I read stories and books about these historical figures, whose circumstances and actions were so different from my life, and knew that bold, purposeful action was a positive force in the world.
Acting with Confidence
Life is a series of choices and decisions. Every decision is an opportunity to act with confidence. Self-trust results in decisive action. You can confidently decide to stay the course or do something different. A general theme in my life has been to take the opportunities to try new things as they are offered. The act of taking the opportunities, however, were a result of a simple test. Acting with confidence starts with an internal risk assessment and deciding that you have more to gain on one path over another. When I act with confidence, I know that I have the ability, evidence, and safety to act for myself. My personal risk is low and/or what I stand to gain is worth the risk.
Every decision is an opportunity to act with confidence. Self-trust results in decisive action.
Channeling Confidence
Professionally, I recall summoning confidence in high pressure moments, knowing that the benefits of my actions outweighed any negative consequence. As a young consultant, I had a meeting with a very senior executive at an important client to discuss strategies for a cost reduction program. I walked into the conference room and saw the older man, with his heavy gold watch and expensive suit, a sense of competing priorities evoked by his demeanor. I channeled evidence as I recalled dinners with my grandmother and her husband, an automotive dealer and old-school businessman. I remembered feeling seen and heard when I spoke and expressed my opinions. Even though this meeting was in a different context and had different intentions and outcomes, that evidence convinced me that I could reliably speak up and share my candid views based on my ability, my professional knowledge and experience. That meeting demonstrated my value: we were clear on our objective, I built trust with my client, and gained autonomy to go forward with our proposed scope.
The benefit of speaking confidently was greater than the risk of not being acknowledged, sharing something inauthentic, or worse (“What is she doing here? This is a waste of time.”) by remaining silent. In fact, I get better response and engagement when I speak definitively and share my informed opinions.
Connecting it all
When we act with confidence, we know our worth and value. We are not afraid to show our full selves, our abilities and our desires. Confidence is built through evidence. Evidence that we have value and ability. We see positive outcomes when we act, even if it is not immediate success. And we can keep trying, because the risk of acting is less than the risk of doing nothing at all.
Confidence is built through evidence. Evidence that we have value and ability.
Real talk for a minute: It is human to not be confident at times! Consider this absolute gem of a reel from Heather McMahan. Friendly reminder that even Grammy Award-winning artists have low confidence (anxiety!) about their work, too.
In the VIEW framework, we start with Value, which can be framed as individuals providing value to a system (employers, teams, communities, etc.). With confidence, we reflect Value to ourselves (self-trust). Confidence makes it easier to hone Insight - to steer left or right, take one path or another - with conviction. Confidence powers our forward motion, our Empowerment, by turning up the volume on our intuition, fortifying our strength, and launching us to advocacy and expand our circles. Confidence makes it easier to choose the path that’s right for us - even those that seemed challenging before! - and we reflect on how far we come through our Wisdom.
Confidence in Action
When do you feel most confident? What are the moments where you felt anything BUT confident? Consider which element of self-trust is absent in your equation and determine what you need to take decisive, confident action.
Confidence = (Ability + Evidence + Safety) / Self-Orientation
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Special thank you to Jessica for this thought provoking prompt! Please share your questions and topics if you have any, I’m happy to take requests.
Thank you, Leah! Wonderful article and the content is spot on. Safety and confidence walk together and I wish more parents before even thinking about having children would understand that first ❤️
Another well written segment of WTAFAWDH!
Written with insight and wisdom.
The ‘VIEW’ is a path to take offering personal strength and satisfaction.